Love Me Tender

I used to get bored with training when I was a puppy. So I encouraged my bipeds to think of new tricks to liven up our sessions. This is a tale of how one of our tricks didn’t work out quite as expected.

I was five months old and I already knew a few tricks. The male biped said he was going to be away on business all week. My bipeds had a chat about what tricks I could learn in the week and he suggested “high fives”.

I had a couple of practice sessions with the female biped and then she stopped including it in our training sessions, so I knew I’d mastered that trick really quickly! I was looking forward to demonstrating it at the weekend. We continued to work on me crawling and rolling over and all the boring things that I already knew – like sit and stay.

Friday evening arrived and the male biped came home – I was so pleased to see him! I showed him that I could crawl and that I could roll over – he made a fuss of me and gave me some treats. Then he said, “I thought you were going to teach Clowie high fives. Can she do it yet?”

I couldn’t believe what the female biped had to say! She said, “She has lots of enthusiasm, but she’s still very clumsy. I’ve given up on that for now as she’s altogether too handy with her paws anyway!”

Too handy with my paws – that doesn’t even make sense!

He said, “Can I try?”

She said, “Yes, but it hurts when she hits you with her paw!”

He replied, “Well, it can be my trick with Clowie then.”

The female biped said that would be fine. It’s strange how many meanings ‘fine’ has, particularly when a female biped says it! He knelt down on the floor, I was sitting. He put a hand up and said, “High fives!”

I was keen to show him how well I could do it. I put my paw up and it connected with his chest. He smiled and tried again. I tried slightly more enthusiastically and tapped him on the shoulder. He spoke to the female biped, “I think I see what you mean! I’ll leave it till she’s a bit older.”

He stood up. I was very keen to show him that I could do much better, so I put my paw up as hard as I could, even though he hadn’t asked me to. He suddenly doubled up, he made some very strange noises and his face went bright red. He looked as though he was in excruciating pain! The female put her hand on his shoulder and said, “Are you okay?” He nodded, but he was still making odd noises and he stayed doubled over.

She looked across at me. I was still sitting nicely. I had my head on one side because I was trying to work out what was going on. She turned away and I could see her shoulders start to shake. The male biped was now trying to stand up normally. He said, “It’s no use turning away – I can tell you’re laughing!”

She turned round and she was laughing out loud now. She said, “I’m sorry, but it is funny!”

He said, “Not so much for me! Is there any chance of a cup of tea, please?”

A cup of tea! Excellent idea! That always puts a biped to rights – whatever the problem. After he’d sat and had his cup of tea, he started to look much better again. I thought he might like to work on our high five again, so I tapped him on the leg with my paw. He pulled away and said, “Oh no, you keep your paws to yourself, until asked.”

The strange thing is, he’s never asked me to do high fives since that day. Not ever. Not even once.

See you next Wednesday!

93 thoughts on “Love Me Tender

  1. maybe the male biped should have listened to the female biped

  2. Oh, yes, male bipeds act so tough sometimes, but they have their sensitive areas. 🙂 You probably hurt his pride more than anything. 😉

  3. Bahahaha, OMD Clowie! You are too funny! Your poor male biped! 😉 Well, better luck and aim next time?!

  4. Oh Clowie this was the most precious story ever! Maybe they should buy you boxing gloves?

  5. Clowie! We love this story:) purrrs

  6. Hehehe… poor biped! Lulu is pretty good with high five, though sometimes she has a balance issue.

    Christie from

  7. We are sorry, but we laughed! Maybe tricks can be bad things – that’s why they are “tricks”!

  8. Bullseye….highfive…..sounds very similar to me. ;o) hehe

  9. You are the queen of deceit and strategy.
    Granted there won’t be more high 5 lol

  10. Ouch! I winced when I read that.

  11. Oh my goodness! That is HILARIOUS!! I am really glad that I read that in my office with the door shut so no one can see me laughing hysterically! Good one Clowie! Best story EVER!

    • Thank you! I’m really glad you enjoyed it. I hope you weren’t trying to drink a coffee or anything, or you may need to clean your screen!

  12. so Clowie, girl furriend…my Mom is still laughing her butt off! Every time she thinks about your male biped crumpled over, she starts giggling again…what’s with your male biped anyways, I thought the male version was built more hardy than the female?? Maybe it had to do with your aim?…hmmmmm…have to think on that (walks away sniggering behind paws)

  13. That was a great story Clowie!!!!

  14. The humans want to pretend they are big, strong and superior but they are such fragile little things!

  15. Declan Greyhound

    Oooh paws in the privates! Hehe! Deccy x

  16. Clowie I’m sure you were trying and would have mastered it in no time. Since Pyers and Newfs talk with their feet sometimes we get a little over enthusiastic and tap a bit hard. Mom says ouch!! To let me know it was too hard. We did not learn high five either 😦

    • I’m sure I’d be very good at it, given a chance! I have discovered that a gentle nudge with my nose gets much better results from my bipeds than tapping them with my paws does.

  17. Oh Clowie! What fun! Can’t begin to imagine why your male biped went off the idea so quickly, just when you were getting the hang of the hi five trick! He was obviously overcome by your skills and understanding of how to do it and couldn’t find words to express his pleasure hence the strange noises and the doubling up…bipeds do have a hard time getting their words out sometimes!! 😉 Best you don’t wait for him to ask in future…just go for it! The more you do it the better he will become at expressing his delight and he will overcome that speech impediment he appears to develop in the excitement of the moment when he realises just what fun it all is! Your female biped seems to understand how much fun your male biped has and I’m sure her laughter and the tea all help in the process of him realising he is in fact having a totally fun time with you! 😀

  18. some ink commng up tomorrow’z..get ya Humom on the case ( wink wink ) xx00xx
    Mollie and Alfie

  19. Hey Clowie! I discovered today your rather clumsy paws could be a lifesaver! I was reading a report about a Japanese Akita also with very large and heavy paws lol who on realising her female biped who was all alone that day was choking on…dare I say it?…chicken! (She was unable to dislodge it and was in dire straits trying to reach a phone and attempt to get help…) jumped against her female biped’s back with both front paws, dislodging the chicken and quite possibly saving her life! She said afterwards the paws were quite painful lol being so heavy and large but her Akita is a heroine now! So it’s cool to have big clumsy paws you see!!! 😀

    • That’s amazing, a very clever dog! It just goes to show, it isn’t safe for bipeds to eat chicken – they should give it to us!

      • She was watching tv on the sofa at the time which just goes to show she was distracted and not concentrating on the wonderful taste of chicken like we would 😉 All the more reason to train bipeds to feed us tit-bits at the table…and from the sofa…and…well! Anywhere that takes our fancy really! Especially if it’s chicken…far too dangerous an occupation for bipeds!

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